lately i've been alright. i dance around my room when no one's home. overnight jazz radio is my best friend. i crack my neck and hear the cerebrospinal fluid ringing in my ears like a bell. i lost too much weight again. i'm getting better at remembering which phlebotomy tubes to draw first. it's yellow, i think, then light blue. my dirty shoes are wet from the pouring rain, but that's okay. i eat apples more than i used to. i'm always eating, but nothing sticks to my bones. i crave a certain sensation that i can't define. sex doesn't do much for me. i wish it did, i wish i enjoyed it as much as i enjoy pain. i'm scared of college, c. diff, and rich people. i wish my best friend liked me enough to mention me by name at his school. i want a broken nose. or to break someone's nose. not much of a distinction when the focus lies on the crack of knuckle and bone. my shoes are still wet. i'm beginning to hate the familiarity of my hometown. lately i haven't been able to get enough air in my lungs. lately i've been missing people i haven't lost yet. anticipating grief. i think about god whenever i study atp synthase. sometimes i hear the high-pitched whirring of the machines in my midst. they sound like laminar flow, like hypertensive emergencies, like the bell that rings in my ears when i crack my neck. i've been alright.
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