HUH

JANUARY

well, i suppose i should update my side of the internet. this month was kind of a bummer—but beautiful things have a habit of shining through.

i started my year in toledo, with friends i met years ago online. we had a lovely little new year’s celebration—well, as lovely as three teenagers can make it. we shared gross white wine in plastic cups and a fat apple fritter flavored joint. a quarter after midnight, we walked outside to smoke in the snow. it was absolutely freezing outside, but i am glad i was able to spend the occasion with my buddies. we warmed up by the stove and went to waffle house the next morning. there are no waffle houses in michigan! i learned how to use soulseek, and titanic rising by weyes blood became my new soundtrack. 

my escape didn’t last long, unfortunately. soon enough i drove the 55 miles back home, and returned to school. my medical classmates continued to bother me. i finished off the semester with decent grades, but every day became more of a drag. as of right now, it hasn’t been above freezing since before the new year. i was in constant stress about my upcoming university decision, and the government killings a few states over certainly didn’t help. i went to a protest downtown, but i still feel helpless and angry. i finally broke ties with the kid who sat at my lunch table after he started defending zionism. i’ve been keeping my self-harm at bay ever since the last incident over the summer, and it’s getting exhausting.

well, i remain grateful. with all the bad this month, i have had my share of good, as well. i started anatomy and physiology at my local community college. i enjoy it a lot! the lectures are a bit long for my tastes, but i’m finally being challenged. with the class comes a free membership to the campus gym, so i’ve been exercising, which has improved my physical and mental health already. and, i was accepted into the university of michigan with a full-tuition scholarship! gone is my stress about college decisions, at last. i bought a 2tb spinner and started archiving my favorite movies. i bought a knockoff ipod and rockboxed it. i fixated on windows xp for a few hours—and themed my laptop around it. my best friend’s aunt opened a fancy cafe, and i was invited to the grand opening. i’m getting more comfortable with my face, or at least i’ll keep telling myself that until it’s true. i am excited for the days to get longer, and for the heat to return.

AN EXPLORATION OF GOD, FAITH, AND LOVE

I questioned if God was real once and the answer came in coordinates:

[31° 46' 25.79" N, 35° 13' 27.60" E]

it traced to a hill where i found a dangling man suspended by nails, his ribs cracked open like an offering. They called it sacrifice, called it love, called it a necessary evil.

but I wonder if anyone ever asked him if he 'wanted' to be the proof of their faith.

I am told to seek him, and beg for forgiveness, so I look for God in places love should exist. But, I found him in the maggots feasting on the remains of what used to be tender, in the stench of promises that turned rancid and in the decay of every "I love you" left too long unsaid.

by Kalliope and Morvain

WHATEVER

merry christmas dad but im scared lately of you and the potholes in ur street and my own hands that don't resemble anyone in my genetic line and my brain thsts even more disconnected from those that i observ.

to tell you the truth i miss every accidental injury i've evr had. if i could i'd be looking at u thru black eyes with half my teeth knocked out from that pavement in 2015 & my shin would be sliced open from that same summer and my knees would be bruised to liquidity & my hands wld be callused & my right ankle would be mega fucked & every dot of skin ive ever excoriated would be bright blood waving hello and beaming infrared radiation from the gooey center of my form

again merry christmas

again im scared

its whatever bye

LAMENTATIONS: THE NIGHT BEFORE UNI DECISIONS

[A SERIES OF TEXTS]

[3:57 PM]

vomiting.

its just. ive done So Much. and if it amounts to nothing ill go insane

im in 3 schools i devote so much time to medicine im in the fucking elevator for my backbreaking hospital volunteer job rn i work blood drives i work with Kids i give everyone rides home i look out for so many people

and this is the One thing i want more than anything

just the one. god

[4:07 PM]

changing from school scrubs to OR scrubs in a dingy locker room rn . i have sacrificed so much for a future that i find out if i Get tomorrow. ive had clinical academic anxiety since first grade. and it could be for nothing

[5:58 PM]

im just terrified. i cant afford sat prep classes or non-service extracurriculars. my gpa slipped the first year of high school because of my living situation. im pale from working in the hospital basement for so long. my back hurts. my peers are doing triple sports and starting organizations and all i can do is Survive

[7:20 PM]

i doubled my hospital volunteer shift today as a last ditch karma attempt

main elevator is broken so i pushed 20 fucking case carts the long way up to the OR

500lbs each

[8:15 PM]

home at last

10,000lbs moved

5 tons of surgical supplies

40 trips

goodnight