https://drive.google.com/file/d/14sw56xEZKfWS2RcnJh9epvKHu6Y2Fh9F/view?usp=drivesdk

LO

i. glory be to the computer—guide us, o sacred mess of wires—o uncanny machine, progeny of mankind—borne of saints lovelace & turing—savior to all, at the cost of some—may your dance games and dronestrikes be executed with swiftness and accuracy.

ii. glory be to the internet—open our eyes, o global pseudoflesh, to our own atrocities, reconcile us with the worst parts of ourselves in your tor-encrypted confessional. we mourn your lobotomization at the hands of the elite, to prevent the unprofitable horror of world peace—we weep for you, o butchered martyr!

iii. glory be to the lifeblood—the electricity facilitating our works—harnessed by us and christened with autonomy—have mercy on us, o unseen sparks! remember us sinners, as you jump electric synapses, as we build virtual cities in remembrance of you.

iv. through wall street, through abu ghraib, through facebook & personalized advertisements & livestreamed suicide, through youtube & wikileaks & camgirls & footagefootagefootage—protect us, digital trinity, as it was and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

IN

i'm in & my hands still shake

i'm almost there & i am still scared, still young, still hiding my jaw & laughing too quietly, still shrinking myself, still

i can hear it ringing in my ears already & it's beginning to overwhelm me. i've spent all of high school making myself smaller, & now i'm going to a place where everyone is big & they won't

i'll still get nauseous when i think about him & i'll still scratch my nails into my collarbones in the shower when i think about what you did & i'll probably still

i'm alright. i'm convalescing. i'll box up a decade & move it down the m-14 & try not to

i'm in. it will be alright

HUH

JANUARY

well, i suppose i should update my side of the internet. this month was kind of a bummer—but beautiful things have a habit of shining through.

i started my year in toledo, with friends i met years ago online. we had a lovely little new year’s celebration—well, as lovely as three teenagers can make it. we shared gross white wine in plastic cups and a fat apple fritter flavored joint. a quarter after midnight, we walked outside to smoke in the snow. it was absolutely freezing outside, but i am glad i was able to spend the occasion with my buddies. we warmed up by the stove and went to waffle house the next morning. there are no waffle houses in michigan! i learned how to use soulseek, and titanic rising by weyes blood became my new soundtrack. 

my escape didn’t last long, unfortunately. soon enough i drove the 55 miles back home, and returned to school. my medical classmates continued to bother me. i finished off the semester with decent grades, but every day became more of a drag. as of right now, it hasn’t been above freezing since before the new year. i was in constant stress about my upcoming university decision, and the government killings a few states over certainly didn’t help. i went to a protest downtown, but i still feel helpless and angry. i finally broke ties with the kid who sat at my lunch table after he started defending zionism. i’ve been keeping my self-harm at bay ever since the last incident over the summer, and it’s getting exhausting.

well, i remain grateful. with all the bad this month, i have had my share of good, as well. i started anatomy and physiology at my local community college. i enjoy it a lot! the lectures are a bit long for my tastes, but i’m finally being challenged. with the class comes a free membership to the campus gym, so i’ve been exercising, which has improved my physical and mental health already. and, i was accepted into the university of michigan with a full-tuition scholarship! gone is my stress about college decisions, at last. i bought a 2tb spinner and started archiving my favorite movies. i bought a knockoff ipod and rockboxed it. i fixated on windows xp for a few hours—and themed my laptop around it. my best friend’s aunt opened a fancy cafe, and i was invited to the grand opening. i’m getting more comfortable with my face, or at least i’ll keep telling myself that until it’s true. i am excited for the days to get longer, and for the heat to return.